Thursday, March 12, 2009

Miles to go before I sleep...

I can't sleep. It's 5:41 am, and I am WIDE awake. After 3 failed attempts at sleep, I have actually accomplished quite a few random tasks that needed to be done (bills paid, applications filled out, etc).

Then I start doing the WORST possible thing I can do at 5am. Unblocking the random people I worked so hard to block on a damn social networking site. Good grief. How old am I??? YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES...not 13. This type of behavior reminds me of when my cousin used to make me go with her when she would drive by her crushes house periodically. It's the equivalent of stalking, just digitally.

The Doctor asked me what I meant by my txt today, and it lead to a reasonably uncomfortable conversation via text. I should have read Dr. Alex's notes beforehand, but I didn't. I almost feel as if that got so messed up that it's beyond the point of salvaging so I should just drop it. He was very open about the fact that he is seeing other people, but not anyone exclusively (so was I). I explained that was part of the problem. I didn't think he EVER wanted to see someone exclusively and I don't share well. ***sigh***

THEN...I start looking through all the family photos of my random high school friends on the same social networking site. Such gorgeous families...happy, cute, amazing. It made me sad. It reminded of something a classmate said to me at my 10 year High School reunion. "I thought for SURE you would be settled by now". Settled. As if being single and selective was "unsettled". But I suppose I am. I am unsettled. It's nearly 6am...what else can I be at this ungawdly hour?

By the way, those that needed a refresher on just what type of cleanse I am doing, see one of my earlier blogs. I noticed Dr. Alex's note and want to assure everyone that I am in fact eating! I'm just keeping it very healthy, with lots of organic veggies/fruits, raw nuts, and lean protein. But I think it is definitely getting to me the last few days. But to be honest, I think it's my own thoughts that are getting to me. Maybe the plan worked too well. The constant hunger I am feeling isn't anything that can be satiated by food.

I don't know if I believe it myself, but apparently all this insecurity and anxiety is due to a lack of self esteem. That makes little sense to me though. I think I'm confident. I suppose the only time I'm not confident is around men. I blame college. I don't think I ever really had the trouble I have with men until college. Maybe Dr. Alex is right. I read his article that was posted on the Huffington Post explaining his theories as to why smart people have a difficult time dating.

Some of it rang true. I was too busy in college to think about anything but my studies. I tuned boys out and focused on my success. Apparently I continued that trend in my adult life. I just don't know how to react anymore. I feel like a babbling fool. And when I do take a chance and just speak my mind and call when I feel like calling, it all back fires. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. So then I just give up.

I'm not gonna lie...I feel like that right now. As tears well up in my eyes, I get angry with myself. I'm not a quitter but to be honest, I really feel like no matter WHAT I do, it's always making me feel worse vs better. I've been a bit antisocial lately because of it. I feel like people can smell the sadness. I'm hoping this is just a particularly jagged spoke in my menstrual cycle.


I probably shouldn't even post this. I will reread it in the morning and probably scorn myself again for being so weak. I know it's okay to be weak. I just don't normally let other people in on my misery. I'm really good at internalizing that kinda stuff but then it becomes an all consuming cancerous growth. No bueno.

I should sleep. I'm rambling. Perhaps this is just the lack of sleep talking now...

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

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