Friday, March 20, 2009

Just when you thought you've hit rock bottom

You set a new record for how low you can go. Well, let's start where we left off.

Last Thursday I went out of town for a work event at a snow resort. I went with a guy I used to date years ago, and who broke my heart, but now we are good friends. He's recently out of his relationship and we spent most of the drive talking about our respective dating woes. I even mentioned the Tao and how I was trying to revamp fruitless dating style.

Well, the weekend was off to a good start...I was worried he might try to reignight a flame that I had permanently extinguished, so I made sure I slept on the couch, despite him offering his bed to share. (So chivalrous, right?) The 3rd and final night we went to a VIP afterparty, he had too much bottle service, and once home (we were staying at his condo) he started to give me a back rub with hand lotion I had on the coffee table. Then, he would kiss my back a few times. Odd. Awkward. Wasn't sure how to handle it, so I just ignored it. Got up, got ready for bed and practically kicked him off the couch so I could go to bed.

The next morning wasn't awkward. I think we both chocked it up to too much liquor. But now he is calling/txting/emailing me more than he ever did. Why is it that when you aren't insterested that is a cue for men to fall head over heals??? He even knew that I was really starting to like the Motocross guy, and even spoke to him every day that I was there.

Monday I went to see the Motocross guy and had a great time! We chatted for what seemed like hours and went to the beach. He even gave me a foot rub to warm up my feet. Even gave me a really cute compliment...."I could eat you like a box of cookies"...perhaps it was cuter in the moment since he was telling me about his obsession over a particular Panera Bread cookie. He mentioned twice before leaving that he was looking forward to "next time".

That was Monday. Didn't hear from him all week. Finally, following the advice of a guy buddy, I sent him a txt Thursday night saying hello and that I hope his week was going well. Didn't get a response till this morning (Friday) saying he's going through some changes this week. I ask if everything is okay and he says yes. I call him later in the evening and find out that he is probably going to have to move out of where he is living because they are raising the rent...a lot. He teaches motocross and was looking into doing personal training, but given the current market, neither are doing all that great.

He said that if it comes down to it, he will have to sell his bike (one of the primary sources of income) and put all his stuff in storage and just stay with a friend till he gets back on his feet. So, the unemployed thing I have done. I've dated a few guys without a steady job. But the whole "homeless" thing is an all new low. Waitaminute. Maybe not. I think I did date a guy who slept on his buddies couch once. Wow. ***sigh***

So another deletion has made his way back into the the velvet rope of my attention. This one is probably the one that was worth keeping, but never seemed aggressive enough. Not enough Yang, or something like that. But everything else seemed to fit. He SCUBA dives, sky dives, rides motorcycles, but is from the midwest and very family oriented and an all around "good guy". He just always questioned whether or not I was interested, and after a while of doing that, I started to as well.

He's been texting me all day. He works in law enforcement and I saw him at an event I went to this week. He was cuter than I remember, but then again,that may have just been because he was in his "uniform". He's already asked me what I was "up to", but hasn't made any real effort to ask me out.

WTF?? I think I am cursed. I'm starting to think there is a voodoo doll out there with a long black needle through it's heart with my name on it. No bueno.

Perhaps I will spend another Friday at home alone with my Tao. Awesome. Awwwwwesome!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Miles to go before I sleep...

I can't sleep. It's 5:41 am, and I am WIDE awake. After 3 failed attempts at sleep, I have actually accomplished quite a few random tasks that needed to be done (bills paid, applications filled out, etc).

Then I start doing the WORST possible thing I can do at 5am. Unblocking the random people I worked so hard to block on a damn social networking site. Good grief. How old am I??? YOU ARE IN YOUR THIRTIES...not 13. This type of behavior reminds me of when my cousin used to make me go with her when she would drive by her crushes house periodically. It's the equivalent of stalking, just digitally.

The Doctor asked me what I meant by my txt today, and it lead to a reasonably uncomfortable conversation via text. I should have read Dr. Alex's notes beforehand, but I didn't. I almost feel as if that got so messed up that it's beyond the point of salvaging so I should just drop it. He was very open about the fact that he is seeing other people, but not anyone exclusively (so was I). I explained that was part of the problem. I didn't think he EVER wanted to see someone exclusively and I don't share well. ***sigh***

THEN...I start looking through all the family photos of my random high school friends on the same social networking site. Such gorgeous families...happy, cute, amazing. It made me sad. It reminded of something a classmate said to me at my 10 year High School reunion. "I thought for SURE you would be settled by now". Settled. As if being single and selective was "unsettled". But I suppose I am. I am unsettled. It's nearly 6am...what else can I be at this ungawdly hour?

By the way, those that needed a refresher on just what type of cleanse I am doing, see one of my earlier blogs. I noticed Dr. Alex's note and want to assure everyone that I am in fact eating! I'm just keeping it very healthy, with lots of organic veggies/fruits, raw nuts, and lean protein. But I think it is definitely getting to me the last few days. But to be honest, I think it's my own thoughts that are getting to me. Maybe the plan worked too well. The constant hunger I am feeling isn't anything that can be satiated by food.

I don't know if I believe it myself, but apparently all this insecurity and anxiety is due to a lack of self esteem. That makes little sense to me though. I think I'm confident. I suppose the only time I'm not confident is around men. I blame college. I don't think I ever really had the trouble I have with men until college. Maybe Dr. Alex is right. I read his article that was posted on the Huffington Post explaining his theories as to why smart people have a difficult time dating.

Some of it rang true. I was too busy in college to think about anything but my studies. I tuned boys out and focused on my success. Apparently I continued that trend in my adult life. I just don't know how to react anymore. I feel like a babbling fool. And when I do take a chance and just speak my mind and call when I feel like calling, it all back fires. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. So then I just give up.

I'm not gonna lie...I feel like that right now. As tears well up in my eyes, I get angry with myself. I'm not a quitter but to be honest, I really feel like no matter WHAT I do, it's always making me feel worse vs better. I've been a bit antisocial lately because of it. I feel like people can smell the sadness. I'm hoping this is just a particularly jagged spoke in my menstrual cycle.


I probably shouldn't even post this. I will reread it in the morning and probably scorn myself again for being so weak. I know it's okay to be weak. I just don't normally let other people in on my misery. I'm really good at internalizing that kinda stuff but then it becomes an all consuming cancerous growth. No bueno.

I should sleep. I'm rambling. Perhaps this is just the lack of sleep talking now...

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

More man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever have!

I laugh every time I think about that quote. Probably since it was said by a drag queen character in the movie "To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar". But I can recall thinking or saying that referring to myself at several points throughout my life.

I am a very girlie girl. But I am also a very athletic and adventurous woman. I ride my own motorcycle, I have traveled the world solo, and I actually own 3 different types of saws. I often joke that one of the prerequisites to dating me is that I have to feel confident that if we were walking down a dark alley, my date would be the one who would be better suited to defend us than I would. That and he has to have bigger legs than I do ;)

Perhaps that is why I may be more drawn to the stereotypical Manly Men. Looking at the last few prospects that I have dated, there is a bit of a trend. The Doctor (rides motorcycles), The Soldier, Secret Service Agent, and now a Professional Motocross Racer. I read Dr. Alex's notes from my last few blogs ( and he mentioned that "Motorcycle Man" might fall under the "bad boy" label. If that is true, then I fall within the bad girl label.

I am drawn to risks...I skydive, ride motorcycles, snowboard, rock climb, do a lot of things that are considered "risky". I do think it's possible to enjoy those types of activities and still want to come home to a stable and loving household. Where this becomes a problem for me is balancing the Yin with the Yang.

I clearly don't think I embrace enough of the Yin (Feminine energy). I LOOK like I do, but I know that it is hard for me to turn off the "professional me" when not on duty. One of the guys I was dating even commented that once he realized just how important I was in my particular role, that he started treating me differently. Much like the one reader commented about how a crush referred to her as "highly functioning" I knew those compliments spelled disaster.

I know that is something I have to work on. As for the Doctor, he sent me several texts while I was out on my date with the Motorcycle Man. I sent a reply after my date, but kept it brief. I probably shouldn't have replied, but after he took the time to give me advice on my wrist, I felt it was the civil thing to do.

Then, yesterday, he text me asking if I had "unfriended him" on one of the social networking sites. I did. I didn't owe him an explanation...but I sent him one. A day later. "Only to prevent my own profile stalking". That was true. Perhaps Dr. Alex was right and maybe I overreacted to that one. But the way I see it, if he really WAS interested he would have made more of an effort to actually DATE me. I understand he has a crazy schedule, but at least CALL. Maintain that connection. He didn't. So he was pruned. And now I've moved on. (Have I?) Ugh. Dr. Alex's comments now have me wondering, should I unblock the Doc?

I am really thinking the Motorcycle Man has some potential. I like the idea of "being open to everything, but attached to nothing". I'm not sure if it's the food cravings that are now overwhelming my thoughts that are driving me to obcess over the Motorcycle Man. I got a brief, but sweet email from him in the morning, but didn't hear from him at all the rest of the day. I went to the gym with my super amazing motivational friend, and it wasn't until I got home that he sent a text. But he did send me many very sweet and affectionate texts Monday, the day after the first date.

Hard to figure out which part of this behavior is really me and which is the "cleanse". Today I fantasized about carbs. The sweet doughy kind...and hamburgers, which I normally NEVER want. I'm in my 2nd week of the cleanse and it seemed reasonably doable until today. Today I wanted to order Thai. I wanted to make chocolate mousse. I wanted to binge. No bueno. I went to the gym instead. Just a constant reminder that life is a struggle. Time to just suck it up and hope for the best. Gonna start part 2 before bed...hopefully the answers are within!

"Without a struggle, there is no progress" - Fredrick Douglas

p.s. In case you were wondering, I have my own a reciprocating saw, jigsaw, and tile saw. I'm a confirmed DIY if only that would carry over to my love life!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Caution: Contruction Zone

Easy girl. Don't get too excited just yet. Yes, the date went great and he's even better looking in person....and the conversation was really good...and he seems to be on the same page....BUT IT'S A FIRST DATE.

***now would be a good time for that meditation***

So the Helmeted Hottie was really great. Better than expected. Granted, he may not be the 6 figure income financier or even close to that, but he is extremely passionate about what he does.

During the course of the evening I would remember tips I got from the Tao, and I would find myself saying over and over, "remember the Yin with the Yang!!" when I found myself talking too much about my masculine hobbies or coming off too "tough" or "businessy".

I still need to give my recap of the last few chapters but so much of it was fresh in my mind tonight and I was thankful for it. Not saying it was a direct result of having read those chapters, but this was quite possibly one of the best first dates I have had in a VERY long time. I don't think those chapters hurt, that's for sure.

Before I start naming our future children or writing out my last name as his (totally kidding with this), I'm going to be cautious this time. Not too cautious, but cautious enough that I don't allow myself to get emotionally invested before he's proven that he is worthy of that investment.

There were so many poignant tips in those last few chapters that relate to tonight, but the play by play will have to wait till tomorrow. It's late and I just wanted to give a quick update that the date went very well. Better than expected. The battle was won tonight, but we have yet to win the war!!!

Sweet dreams...fellow Gods and Goddesses!!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Get your motor running!

So I've probably read more of the Tao this weekend than I should have in one sitting. I got to the point where I couldn't just stop, so I ended up reading several chapters. However, that play by play will have to wait.

Right now, I am sitting on my couch, dressed and ready to go meet a new prospect. I haven't gotten to the part of the Tao that tells me whether or not online dating is a good or a bad thing, so I figure it couldn't hurt to up my available options and continue to use it.

I worry that before I even go meet this guy I may have fallen victim to my usual pitfalls. His stats: 36, 6'1, never married, no kids, professional motocross racer with his own school. He's meeting me in my neighborhood, so at the very least I know he has a car. He's geographically inconvenient living roughly 35 miles away, but that can be overcome with his flexible schedule. He chatted with me for nearly 2/3rd of my (1.5 hours) to my weekend getaway and before we got off the phone had asked me to meet him tonight. ***chalks up 2 points for the Hottie with the helmet!***

After I got off the phone with the Helmeted Hottie, I had a guy I dated nearly 3 years ago call me. Seems he's been thinking about me lately and wanted to meet up for lunch tomorrow to catch up. They always come back for seconds. If only I had a taste for stale bread that I knew only gave me an upset stomach when I had it fresh. At least that is one lesson I can manage to learn. Once I give them up for good, they are gone for good. It just takes me some time to get to the point where I really cut them loose, physically and emotionally. A byproduct of that is I am still friends with quite a few guys that I once dated. Is that weird?

Okay, my Gods and Goddesses in Training...Wish me luck. Let's hope that this Helmeted Hottie can rev my engine and jumpstart my heart! .....Aaaaaaaand she's off!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Doctor

I can't sleep.

That's pretty normal for me though. I have a lot on my mind lately. Work, life, food (a la cleanse = lack of), etc. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is Fate, but it generally falls into the overall plan.

Tonight I went to Yoga to fulfill my twice a week goal. I hate going to the gym at night since it's packed...mostly with women with full on club make-up and with more intention of being picked up vs. picking up weights. I went with a friend who is a hardcore gym regular. I'm hoping that rubs off on me too.

As we left the Yoga class, I remember commenting, "Watch, I will run into The Doctor the ONE time he happens to be at the gym when I am". Less than 2 minutes later as my friend and I part ways to different sections of the gym, I find that I am face to face with The Doctor.

The Doctor was one of those relationships I "pruned" in my spring cleaning. We met around Thanksgiving. In an odd, but somewhat flattering way, he sent me a message on one of the social networking sites commenting on my profile pic and how he really liked it. I had no idea who he was, nor did I know if we had any common friends. Turns out we had one common friend, who I didn't know that well, but had hung out with on a few occasions.

The first time we met up it was the day after Thanksgiving for a motorcycle ride. He thought it was cool that I rode, and I was stoked to have found someone to go riding with. The chemistry was immediate. A Man's Man kinda guy. Not super fit, a huskier build, but definitely solid. They type of guy who could throw some stuff around. I dug that. He was also a Doctor and loved talking about his work in great detail, which I found incredibly interesting.

We shared a few good dates, nothing out of the ordinary, but good enough that I really enjoyed spending time with him. He has a crazy schedule, so we weren't always able to see each other as often as I would have liked, but I figured if he was really interested, he would find a way.

Things really simmered down when I was out of town for an extended period. I had sent him a text message asking for his mailing address since I wanted to send him a postcard. He replied that I should probably send it to his Dad's since he wasn't sure he would still be living in LA. Huh? What? You wouldn't even be back when I returned? That's odd. Okay.

So he then texts me that he will have to introduce me to his buddy visiting from NY, "He's a Doctor too, and WAAY hotter than me...I think you would like him more". That was the text equivalent of a cold shower on whatever flame that was left for the Doctor. Clearly, you must not be THAT into me if you are trying to pass me off to some buddy that is in town. Sick.

I reply as maturely as possible, which took a LOT of effort. "No need to pawn me off to your friends. I do just fine on my own, thanks." Then...silence.

He continued to txt me the remainder of my time away, and I would just delete them. Clearly I was just some commodity to be passed around and traded. Not the Man who would stand his ground and stake his claim!

Long story short, when I got back into town I had 7 text messages saying he tried to say "hi" over the last 2 weeks. But I never replied. That morning I did and explained that my phone didn't work. An excuse. But true, somewhat.

There was a lot of miscommunication with the Doctor. We never once talked about how we felt about each other. Even if it was nothing. So we just assumed. He assumed I only wanted a physical relationship (I call bullshit on that claim though...what woman ONLY wants a physical relationship?) and I assumed the same about him. So I stopped calling. Then I took the next step of preventing him access to my inner workings and social networking....deletions and blocking.

Despite all that...there he was. We exchanged pleasantries. He complemented me on how I looked and offered some treatments for my wrist, which has been a source of pain/frustration the last few months. Then I left him to continue on my cardio workout. Once I found a bike, he came back over 3 more times to talk to me. The last time to say he was leaving.

Oddly enough, as I saw him anxiously try to find a machine nearby, then do one rep and move to the next, I thought it was endearing and sweet. I really did dig him. In the brief text conversation debrief, he alluded to also being into me and wanting a relationship, but we were never on the same page. What a shame. I really did dig him. We had great chemistry and was a more dominant personality than my own, which I loved.

He explained the comment about wanting to introduce me to his friend was said out of insecurity. And a "game" to see how I would respond. Clearly, I don't play games well.

But here it comes...wait, wait for it, wait.....I missed him.

Seeing him there tonight was like a alcoholic's anonymous member taking a shot. He was my shot. I played it cool. Maybe even too cool. Indifferent. But that was the side of me protecting my heart. Guys like him can't be faithful, so why even waste my time?

At one point I really did dig him. Liked him a lot and wanted to spend so much time with him. But once I got the suspicion that he was playing the field and not really into me, I stepped back with the other options I had been avoiding. (Also deleted.)

The odd thing is I couldn't call the Doctor if I wanted. I deleted his contact before I got to change it to "Do Not Answer".

Why do I feel like I am in High School again? I thought we grew out of this type of schoolyard angst. I suppose I will keep him in that delete list, until he is proven innocent and worthy.

***None of this may makes sense....sleeping pill kicking in....will reread tomorrow***

pray that I will dream about the man that I will love and deserves to be loved. /gibberish

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Absense makes the heart wander...

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie within me.

Since I finished that chapter I went through quite a few positive changes. But more importantly, I took a step back and really started to look at those relationships that I have, and for whatever reason, have continued to maintain despite them not being healthy. Some were downright parasitic, but because of the fear of completely letting go, I kept them.

The MINUTE I got out of the tub, I went straight to my laptop and started the REAL “cleansing”. I find it fitting that I happen to start this experiment on the eve of spring; A natural time for cleansing and new growth. The pruning started with the social networking sites that have been the only source of information to several of the past prospects in my life. I deleted and blocked those unhealthy relationships. I cannot move forward if I keep looking back. As much as we would like to think we are grown adults and have some self control, I will be the first to admit that I profile stalk. Why would I want to find/see a reminder as to why I am not with this person?? Why would I want them to see that I am finally moving on, only to then call me and ask me out? I refuse to be my own saboteur so, I removed the temptation.

I then moved to my cell phone. I found all the “Mr. Wrongs” who had come in and out of my life and who still linger but offer no future value. I changed all of their names to “Do NOT answer”. That way, when/if they call again, I can send to VM, then immediately delete message without listening. (Okay, I know that last part will be TOUGH, but I will try).

I have already had a few ask what happened, but feel little need to explain. For once I am going to be selfish and think about myself. No explanation required. Now is the time for change.

Here are some of the other tips to bring more anatta into my life that Dr. Alex suggested and how I am applying them.

1. Meditation: I downloaded the meditation that Dr. Alex has included in the book for guided mediations that I can do when I have 15 minutes or even while sitting in my car between meetings. I even started with the hong-sau meditation in my tub that goofy as I felt initially, it did eventually offer me some calmness and was quite gratifying towards the end of the 10 minute exercise. (I know it suggested 15 mins, but I was in a tub and only had so much time before I started to prune).

What really motivated me was the concept that "we tend to get more of what we focus on, to the point that you may even become what you focus on" that Dr. Alex points out. If I can focus on clearing my mind of the negative and only focusing on the positive, that will be a step in the right direction. Although, aren't we supposed to not think when we meditate?? I thought we were supposed to clear the mind of what ails us. I will definitely have to work on the meditation thing.

2. Do Yoga:
I am going to do Yoga at least twice a week. I went for the first time yesterday, after a nearly 6 month hiatus from the gym. I actually did quite well, but I am feeling muscles today that I didn't even know I had and they are bitching that I had the nerve to try to do all those crazy advanced poses and balances without giving them any warning!

3. Use the Reminder Technique: One month. March 1st-April 1st. Fasting.

"That gnawing hunger you experience in the pit of your belly is a reminder to be a better kind of person all day long."

Mind you, I'm an eater. I am not a salad type of girl. Well, unless it is accompanied by a hearty entree! But thankfully, I am blessed with a great metabolism and a laundry list of activities that keep me fit. I am also not doing one of those crazy celebrity lemonade fasts. I am sticking to lots of organic veggies and fruits, whey protein isolate shakes, raw nuts, and one lean protein meal with small portion of complex carbohydrate and lots of veggies, per day. I've also given up desserts for Lent. Interesting since I've never been all that religious, but have in the past year really gotten back in touch with my spirituality and have had some pretty meaningful conversations with the Big Guy himself.

I'm also thinking of finding a bracelet or piece of string to wear that will remind me of the concept of no-self, so that the next time I am feeling insecure I can remind myself of the Goddess I am and go introduce myself to the Hottie in the corner ;)

Manageable. I hope that at the end of this month, some of those healthy eating habits will continue. It allegedly takes 21 days to establish a habit, right?

4. Experience Flow: I've been there, I've felt it. I know that somewhere deep inside me I have been in “that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability”. I think lately I haven’t been challenged enough, so I am looking for ways to fix that.

5. Travel: I started that weekend. I left town. I am leaving again this weekend and hope to do so every weekend. I am tempted to take a road trip with no real destination in mind. The possibilities are limitless.

Wow. This is a huge post! I just have so much to share. I have really taken a step back this last week to REALLY think about who I am and the steps that I can take to become an even better person. I’m hoping that by abandoning the old habits I leave plenty of space for new ones. Absence makes the heart wander…I am thinking greener pastures lie ahead!!