The Doctor

I can't sleep.

That's pretty normal for me though. I have a lot on my mind lately. Work, life, food (a la cleanse = lack of), etc. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is Fate, but it generally falls into the overall plan.

Tonight I went to Yoga to fulfill my twice a week goal. I hate going to the gym at night since it's packed...mostly with women with full on club make-up and with more intention of being picked up vs. picking up weights. I went with a friend who is a hardcore gym regular. I'm hoping that rubs off on me too.

As we left the Yoga class, I remember commenting, "Watch, I will run into The Doctor the ONE time he happens to be at the gym when I am". Less than 2 minutes later as my friend and I part ways to different sections of the gym, I find that I am face to face with The Doctor.

The Doctor was one of those relationships I "pruned" in my spring cleaning. We met around Thanksgiving. In an odd, but somewhat flattering way, he sent me a message on one of the social networking sites commenting on my profile pic and how he really liked it. I had no idea who he was, nor did I know if we had any common friends. Turns out we had one common friend, who I didn't know that well, but had hung out with on a few occasions.

The first time we met up it was the day after Thanksgiving for a motorcycle ride. He thought it was cool that I rode, and I was stoked to have found someone to go riding with. The chemistry was immediate. A Man's Man kinda guy. Not super fit, a huskier build, but definitely solid. They type of guy who could throw some stuff around. I dug that. He was also a Doctor and loved talking about his work in great detail, which I found incredibly interesting.

We shared a few good dates, nothing out of the ordinary, but good enough that I really enjoyed spending time with him. He has a crazy schedule, so we weren't always able to see each other as often as I would have liked, but I figured if he was really interested, he would find a way.

Things really simmered down when I was out of town for an extended period. I had sent him a text message asking for his mailing address since I wanted to send him a postcard. He replied that I should probably send it to his Dad's since he wasn't sure he would still be living in LA. Huh? What? You wouldn't even be back when I returned? That's odd. Okay.

So he then texts me that he will have to introduce me to his buddy visiting from NY, "He's a Doctor too, and WAAY hotter than me...I think you would like him more". That was the text equivalent of a cold shower on whatever flame that was left for the Doctor. Clearly, you must not be THAT into me if you are trying to pass me off to some buddy that is in town. Sick.

I reply as maturely as possible, which took a LOT of effort. "No need to pawn me off to your friends. I do just fine on my own, thanks." Then...silence.

He continued to txt me the remainder of my time away, and I would just delete them. Clearly I was just some commodity to be passed around and traded. Not the Man who would stand his ground and stake his claim!

Long story short, when I got back into town I had 7 text messages saying he tried to say "hi" over the last 2 weeks. But I never replied. That morning I did and explained that my phone didn't work. An excuse. But true, somewhat.

There was a lot of miscommunication with the Doctor. We never once talked about how we felt about each other. Even if it was nothing. So we just assumed. He assumed I only wanted a physical relationship (I call bullshit on that claim though...what woman ONLY wants a physical relationship?) and I assumed the same about him. So I stopped calling. Then I took the next step of preventing him access to my inner workings and social networking....deletions and blocking.

Despite all that...there he was. We exchanged pleasantries. He complemented me on how I looked and offered some treatments for my wrist, which has been a source of pain/frustration the last few months. Then I left him to continue on my cardio workout. Once I found a bike, he came back over 3 more times to talk to me. The last time to say he was leaving.

Oddly enough, as I saw him anxiously try to find a machine nearby, then do one rep and move to the next, I thought it was endearing and sweet. I really did dig him. In the brief text conversation debrief, he alluded to also being into me and wanting a relationship, but we were never on the same page. What a shame. I really did dig him. We had great chemistry and was a more dominant personality than my own, which I loved.

He explained the comment about wanting to introduce me to his friend was said out of insecurity. And a "game" to see how I would respond. Clearly, I don't play games well.

But here it comes...wait, wait for it, wait.....I missed him.

Seeing him there tonight was like a alcoholic's anonymous member taking a shot. He was my shot. I played it cool. Maybe even too cool. Indifferent. But that was the side of me protecting my heart. Guys like him can't be faithful, so why even waste my time?

At one point I really did dig him. Liked him a lot and wanted to spend so much time with him. But once I got the suspicion that he was playing the field and not really into me, I stepped back with the other options I had been avoiding. (Also deleted.)

The odd thing is I couldn't call the Doctor if I wanted. I deleted his contact before I got to change it to "Do Not Answer".

Why do I feel like I am in High School again? I thought we grew out of this type of schoolyard angst. I suppose I will keep him in that delete list, until he is proven innocent and worthy.

***None of this may makes sense....sleeping pill kicking in....will reread tomorrow***

pray that I will dream about the man that I will love and deserves to be loved. /gibberish

Absense makes the heart wander...

Chapter 2: Who You Really Are

I read this chapter by candlelight while soaking in my tub last Thursday evening. It made such an impact that I have taken a week to marinate in the thoughts and the emotions that those thoughts stirred. I was already coping with the realization that it may not be the men in LA that are the problem, but the problem may just lie within me.

Since I finished that chapter I went through quite a few positive changes. But more importantly, I took a step back and really started to look at those relationships that I have, and for whatever reason, have continued to maintain despite them not being healthy. Some were downright parasitic, but because of the fear of completely letting go, I kept them.

The MINUTE I got out of the tub, I went straight to my laptop and started the REAL “cleansing”. I find it fitting that I happen to start this experiment on the eve of spring; A natural time for cleansing and new growth. The pruning started with the social networking sites that have been the only source of information to several of the past prospects in my life. I deleted and blocked those unhealthy relationships. I cannot move forward if I keep looking back. As much as we would like to think we are grown adults and have some self control, I will be the first to admit that I profile stalk. Why would I want to find/see a reminder as to why I am not with this person?? Why would I want them to see that I am finally moving on, only to then call me and ask me out? I refuse to be my own saboteur so, I removed the temptation.

I then moved to my cell phone. I found all the “Mr. Wrongs” who had come in and out of my life and who still linger but offer no future value. I changed all of their names to “Do NOT answer”. That way, when/if they call again, I can send to VM, then immediately delete message without listening. (Okay, I know that last part will be TOUGH, but I will try).

I have already had a few ask what happened, but feel little need to explain. For once I am going to be selfish and think about myself. No explanation required. Now is the time for change.

Here are some of the other tips to bring more anatta into my life that Dr. Alex suggested and how I am applying them.

1. Meditation: I downloaded the meditation that Dr. Alex has included in the book for guided mediations that I can do when I have 15 minutes or even while sitting in my car between meetings. I even started with the hong-sau meditation in my tub that night...as goofy as I felt initially, it did eventually offer me some calmness and was quite gratifying towards the end of the 10 minute exercise. (I know it suggested 15 mins, but I was in a tub and only had so much time before I started to prune).

What really motivated me was the concept that "we tend to get more of what we focus on, to the point that you may even become what you focus on" that Dr. Alex points out. If I can focus on clearing my mind of the negative and only focusing on the positive, that will be a step in the right direction. Although, aren't we supposed to not think when we meditate?? I thought we were supposed to clear the mind of what ails us. I will definitely have to work on the meditation thing.

2. Do Yoga: I am going to do Yoga at least twice a week. I went for the first time yesterday, after a nearly 6 month hiatus from the gym. I actually did quite well, but I am feeling muscles today that I didn't even know I had and they are bitching that I had the nerve to try to do all those crazy advanced poses and balances without giving them any warning!

3. Use the Reminder Technique: One month. March 1st-April 1st. Fasting.

"That gnawing hunger you experience in the pit of your belly is a reminder to be a better kind of person all day long."

Mind you, I'm an eater. I am not a salad type of girl. Well, unless it is accompanied by a hearty entree! But thankfully, I am blessed with a great metabolism and a laundry list of activities that keep me fit. I am also not doing one of those crazy celebrity lemonade fasts. I am sticking to lots of organic veggies and fruits, whey protein isolate shakes, raw nuts, and one lean protein meal with small portion of complex carbohydrate and lots of veggies, per day. I've also given up desserts for Lent. Interesting since I've never been all that religious, but have in the past year really gotten back in touch with my spirituality and have had some pretty meaningful conversations with the Big Guy himself.

I'm also thinking of finding a bracelet or piece of string to wear that will remind me of the concept of no-self, so that the next time I am feeling insecure I can remind myself of the Goddess I am and go introduce myself to the Hottie in the corner ;)

Manageable. I hope that at the end of this month, some of those healthy eating habits will continue. It allegedly takes 21 days to establish a habit, right?

4. Experience Flow: I've been there, I've felt it. I know that somewhere deep inside me I have been in “that optimal state in which the task is matched to the ability”. I think lately I haven’t been challenged enough, so I am looking for ways to fix that.

5. Travel: I started that weekend. I left town. I am leaving again this weekend and hope to do so every weekend. I am tempted to take a road trip with no real destination in mind. The possibilities are limitless.

Wow. This is a huge post! I just have so much to share. I have really taken a step back this last week to REALLY think about who I am and the steps that I can take to become an even better person. I’m hoping that by abandoning the old habits I leave plenty of space for new ones. Absence makes the heart wander…I am thinking greener pastures lie ahead!!

The Brazilian

I had lunch with the Brazilian today. He called around 11am just as I was about to head out the door to grab lunch in Santa Monica. "Sure, I'll meet you for lunch".

We met sometime last summer on a popular dating website. He was great looking, successful, intelligent...but fresh out of a failed marriage (about a year and a half fresh). We shared a love of adventure, extreme sports, and were both confessed gear whores. (Is there such a thing as REI anonymous?)

We dated on and off for several months and I even considered the prospect of a LTR with him. Then the inevitable happened. I started the downward spiral of why we wouldn't work out & talking myself out of "like" with him.

Suddenly, the casual laid back manner he wore became indifference. His spontaneity morphed into careless impulse. Brazilians are known for their infidelity, right? Could he really be faithful? What was I doing?? He's a great guy, right?? At least he has a job & his own place (sadly, not always prerequisites to dating me, but that is another blog)

Despite my roller coaster of falling in out of like with the Brazilian, we kept in touch. He would send a txt or leave a message every few weeks to see how I have been.

He was as handsome as I remember since seeing him last in November. He was extremely charming & complimentary saying how beautiful I was, which is always nice to hear. Over ribs and biscuits we exchanged stories about our recent snowboarding outings and adventures abroad.

He was sweet. He even picked up the tab (which again isn't a normal occurrence in my dating world). I thanked him with a friendly kiss and a big hug. We promised to try to see each other more often & even plan a snowboarding trip together soon.

I passed on the opportunity once, am I really willing to give it another shot? Perhaps I wasn't in the right mind set the 1st time & didn't really give it an honest chance.

I am picking up my copy of the Tao of Dating tonight from Dr. Alex...perhaps I will find my answer within...

The Phoenix

Phoenix
–noun
1. a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn itself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years: often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope.
2. a person or thing of peerless beauty or excellence; paragon.
3. a person or thing that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation.

How did I get here? Odds are I’m probably a lot like you or someone you know. Female, early 30’s, reside in Los Angeles, California. I think most would consider me reasonably successful given my age and well “lived”. I own my own home, financially secure, educated, and attractive enough to have once earned a living based on my appearance. I am the one that you probably ask, “why is she single?” Trust me; I hear it all the time. It’s odd since being in LA lots of people are single in their 30’s…however, in most parts of the country when people hear that I am single I feel like the Old Spinster with the pack of small dogs. (I only have one dog, by the way.)

I used to be the girl who always had a boyfriend. I went from one long term relationship to the next. The "Serial Monogamist" I was called. Once I got to college, that all stopped. Suddenly I was too focused to be bothered with a boyfriend. I was there on scholarship and had to maintain a 3.3 GPA in addition to working several jobs. Who had time to date?

After college I had two long term relationships that lasted 2+ years, but I knew that I had yet to find “the One”. I never was much of a hunter. I suppose if someone was persistent enough and willing to deal with my career focus, I would date them. It wasn’t until my last relationship that I really started to think long term.

We dated for nearly 2 years. Bought a place together (well, I bought it, but he helped fix it up and lived in it with me) and were practically married. Then things fell apart and I got my heart broken. This was 5 years ago and I suppose that is another reason why I remained single all this time…still mending a broken heart. I kept thinking that I wasn’t emotionally ready to be in a relationship. I dated, but once things got too close I would inevitably pull away.

If I don’t let people get close they can’t hurt me, right? Not an ideal way to live, but it was safe. I liked safe.

But here I am now. I am ready. I want to find “the One”. I am emotionally healthy (at least I finally feel I am) and ready to at least put myself out there. I know that I want to be in a loving and stable relationship and I will never get there if I don’t actually take some initiative.

That brings me to how I got to this blog. I am a personal friend of Dr. Alex Benzer. During a recent event he had brought The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding Fulfillment You Deserve. As I thumbed through the pages looking for the juiciest morsels of information I suggested that he find someone to actually test out the theories in the book and blog about them. Like a Sex and the City for the relationship challenged. Little did I know that in making that statement I had essentially volunteered myself as the first subject.

What do I have to lose? Nothing, but I have everything to gain. Clearly my own tactics and strategies have not worked, since I am still single and would prefer to not be. I am constantly told that I am a great catch, but seem to lose interest in the guys who show interest in me, and vice versa. I’m sure that I am probably making the same mistakes a lot of women make, but never really took the time to figure out why.

I do not have a problem finding dates. I do have a problem finding meaningful connections with the guys I date. I am assertive and dominant in my professional life, but when it comes to dating I am very old fashioned and perhaps even timid. I’m thinking if applying the techniques and strategies in this book can help me, odds are it can help anyone. Not that I’m a lost cause, but because I have tried in vain for quite some time to find a meaningful relationship in one of the most difficult cities to date, Los Angeles.

So there you have it. I am inviting you to join me on my quest and welcome your comments. My inner Goddess awaits and is looking forward to that elusive fulfillment that I so deserve. I am the Phoenix. Hear me roar.