First impressions: Sinking gut. That lead weight feeling you get when you know you've really messed something up. As I read the "Introduction I couldn't skip" I felt a wave of self pity wash over me. I was these women Dr. Alex was describing.
I had flashbacks to my last blog joking about my wild attraction to guys without jobs or enough money to even take me out on a decent date...it really isn't all that funny. I do want a "Good Guy". As I read the description of what I want aka The Good Guy (strong internal compass, leader, comfortable in his own skin, knows what he wants, etc) I could hear my inner optimist screaming, "Yes! Yes! Yes!", but once I finished the paragraph my inner pessimist chimed in with, "pshaw, yeah right...not in LA."
"When you chase anything in life, you are affirming its lack in your life". p. 31
Wow. Duly noted. I think the greatest frustration with that painfully poignant sentence is that it goes against what has made me successful today.
Early in life we are taught to chase our dreams..."Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss you will still be amongst the stars!". For most of my life I have been an overachiever. I busted my ass in high school so I could get into a great college and win scholarships to pay for it. I kicked ass in college so I could get a high paying job. I worked myself ragged in a high paying job with a successful company so I could be financially secure. Now what? I did everything they said to do and I succeeded.
Now I want the Man, the family, and the white picket fence to match.
"Most people think of success in terms of possession: in order to be someone, you must have something. If you have money and spend lots of is, you are rich. If you have an attractive mate, you are successful in dating." p. 35
So true. I once had it all. A six figure income and a very attractive mate...but I was miserable. Clearly the relationship I was in didn't "catalyze an abundance of fulfilling feelings in my life, like love, peace, and contentment", so I got out (or more accurately he left). I also left the six figure income. I often thought that my success was a liability in my dating. I generally made more money than the men I dated. Most men will say that it doesn't bother them, but I know it did.
***1:09 am...fading fast...will finish in the morning***
Continued....2:40pm
Okay...so a night to sleep on it. I'm still feeling a bit overwhelmed and defeated. I also found out that one of my recent prospects is going on a "date" tonight through a mutual friend. It was an odd physiological reaction to the news. Slight gut sinking. Flush feeling through my body like a warm sweat. Much like the feelings I got with the realization that I am those women Dr. Alex speaks of in the introduction to the Tao of Dating.
I KNOW I deserve better, but for some reason I settle for guys who seem to only make me an option. I deserve to be an entree vs an appetizer. What the hell am I doing wrong?
What KILLS me is that I'm having these physiological reactions to guys that I KNOW aren't on my same level, but clearly financial success hasn't always been a requirement with me.
"I don't care what car you drive; I don't care what neighborhood you live in; what matters is how you make me feel when I am with you."
This is the first sentence of my online dating profile. Clearly, I take that to heart since most of the guys I seem to date aren't on the same level of success that I have achieved. Why do I keep choosing these men???
I am grateful for the blessings I have. I am thankful everyday for a beautiful home, great health, financial security, and most importantly an amazing circle of friends. I have done it all. I have hiked the Great Wall of China, I've dived the Great Barrier Reef, I've climbed to the top of the Tour Eiffel, and I have completed numerous triathlons...but I can't seem to find one man that can appreciate me as much as I appreciate them. I know, I know...the whole first chapter talks about abundance and that I must always think about abundance for me to have abundance but for just a few paragraphs of one blog let me go ahead and have my pity party.
I'm tired. Part of me wants to give up and start shopping for big crazy hats so I can be the crazy Spinster with the pack of dogs. I'm tired of feeling like I have to dumb down my intelligence, athleticism, or success just so I don't immasculate the men I date. I am successful. I am exceptional. I should expect the same.
"What kind of person would you be if you truly believed that you have everything that you need? And what kind of people would you draw into your life if you were that person? Start there." p. 41
That sounds reasonable. Fine. I will start there. I will put aside my feelings of insecurity and self doubt and focus on all that is great in my life (and there is a ton). I will stop chasing that which doesn't wish to be caught. I will focus on my own abundance and fulfillment. If not now then when? Now is the time.
"Welcome anything that comes to you, but do not long for anything else."
-André Gide, The Fruits of the Earth
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
I'm really glad I found your blog-I can relate so much! I am working on making different choices in dating...thanks for your courage and honesty.
Phoenix,
Thanks for sharing your experiment here.
I want to share a story with you from my week that made me catch my breath and shake my head at myself.
Some back story, I am in my mid-30s, a professor and community consultant, far from the most traditionally successful academic, yet seen as a "leader" on campus and a local resource. A recent crush of mine said, "You're so high functioning!" Great. Knew that was going nowhere.
I was engaged, in a different city; he left abruptly (I feel he lost faith in his whole life). I have had several 6 mo. - 1 year relationships with so-called underachievers, perhaps like you describe, smart men who check out of mainstream life, or who undercut their own strengths. (OK, both I and my partners have been trying to figure out how to engage with masculine power in the 21st century.)
So, the story. I was driving past a patio cafe. I'm in the south, so it's sunny, people are sitting outside though it's winter. I love the sun, love the outdoors; they make me happy. As I approach the cafe I notice a man leaning against the newspaper racks playing his guitar, really selling out to it, totally into the sound and totally there. This is not the kind of town where street performance happens; other cities I have lived in sure. He was an athletic looking guy, probably close to my age, say 28 - 32. Artsy and edgy, but something clear, too, about his person. I had RADAR for him from down the road (!) and went into instant attraction space, smiling in the sun in my car, thinking of what a conversation with him would be like. Well, as I pull up to the stop light by the cafe, I realize he is someone who lives on the street, perhaps 'traveling' as a old punk friend used to say, but definitely without.
I believe that love can happen anywhere. Yet, it stopped me cold in my tracks to realize the unconscious thread that must be playing over and over in my system. How do I find this? The "lost boys" I call them. From nowhere. I think it is the illusion of freedom that I'm drawn to? The "underachieving" is also no pressure, off the grid of social expectation, professional norms. They're not "bad boys" in the Hollywood sense, but they are hardly heroes, anti-heroes (?), the authenticity (I imagine) to reject what I've been so good at navigating.
I love their spirits, the transformations they are trying to put themselves through. Yet that's exactly why they are not long-term relationship material. And I can't, shouldn't, be their initiator. And, goodness, if that isn't probably it's own (false) head trip on my part. Whew.
Just thought that story might crystallize some of what you are sharing? At least it sure made visible some of my own patterns (again) that I would like to shelve once and for all!
Good luck on your journey and your "rising" :)
Thanks for the comments and for sharing your story!
“High Functioning"...ahhh, isn't it sad that something that would characteristically be considered a positive now has negative associations?
To be a successful and powerful woman isn't quite as cool as it is to be a successful man. It's not that I plan on abandoning the traditional roles, I would love to be a housewife/mother/etc... I just so happen to be successful businesswoman now, but I can do MORE! You’re damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Love can happen anywhere. I am often told by my affluent friends and even my Mother that "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man". I'm not so sure. Perhaps you are right maybe it is the illusion of freedom or responsibilities that is so alluring, but to be honest, it seems like more of a hassle.
I want a partner not someone I have to support. I don't think anyone wants that, even men. I had a friend once suggest that perhaps I go for these guys because I like the power I have over them.
My spin is that I grew up with a Mother who WAS that woman. She was the woman who was the trophy wife. She was the one who stayed home and thought that because she was beautiful she didn’t have to do much else. I never wanted to be THAT woman. I wanted to be more than just a pretty face. I wanted to offer some value, some substance. Apparently it has worked. Instead of dating me, most guys want to talk business and partner with me. We’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t!
Post a Comment